While the baby is asleep, I’m on the floor doing mountain climbers, and I’m sweating profusely. I haven’t even changed out of my clothing that I wore on the 10+ hour drive up to Long Island from North Carolina.
I switch from mountain climbers to burpees, my bra strap falling down off my shoulder as I jump up and head back down to the floor, and in that moment I’m overwhelmed with frustration.
I hate myself for not having the body that I want to have post-baby. I hate myself for the way I look…
…for the fact that I’m watching the Olympic Trials…watching these women, some of whom I competed against in college, achieving their dreams.
What are my dreams?
Currently…. to fit back into my jeans that I wore pre-baby. To look at myself in the mirror and not see the roll of fat around my waist where I once had 8-pack abs. It seems like not that long ago, I was in great shape, and now I feel slovenly.
d i s g u s t i n g .
I hate looking at myself in the mirror, but at the same time, I can’t look away. Not much has changed. My diet has pretty much been the same. I’m running a lot less. Maybe that’s the reason. Maybe my hormones still haven’t shifted back into place. Who knows what the cause is? All I know is that when I go for my 1X/week run with Diana, I’m gasping for air…doing almost an 8-minute mile…
frustrated that I’m slowing her down…
frustrated that I’m not running a full minute faster, like I used to…
frustrated that my body’s not doing what I want it to do…
frustrated at the aches and pains and the stress over my lack of sleep…
Role Model for Myself; My Daughters
I’m trying to raise healthy daughters, and I want to be a healthy role model for them. So, why can’t I get it together? Why is it so hard?
I do pilates 3X/week. I recently re-joined my women’s indoor soccer league. Yet still, the number on the scale doesn’t move. If anything, I feel fatter.
Greg says that I look great. That he loves my body. But I don’t love my body. I know what it looked like before. I know what it felt like before, and it doesn’t feel the same. For a brief moment, I ponder whether one of my worst fears has come true: “If you get pregnant and have a baby, you’re going to get fat.” You’re going to have a ‘mom’ body.
But I see my friends who’ve had children, most of whom got their bodies back almost immediately, by some small miracle, it seems. They waltzed into the hospital, had their baby, and waltzed right back out into their size 2 jeans.
Focusing on Body Image Too Much
It seems the more I obsess over looking the way I used to, the further away I get from it. I find myself in this slump where…how do I achieve that body without killing myself? Because a large part of me, honestly, doesn’t want to wake up super early in the morning and do a long, hard run and come back at the end of the evening and go for another run… or do some other form of exercise.
I feel like my days of doing two-a-day’s are long gone. And for what reason would I have to do that anyway? And how would I fit the time in? I can barely squeeze the time in now to go to my pilates classes.
I try to balance everything out with Ava because I do revolve around her schedule; we all do. I also try to be, first and foremost, fair to Greg because let’s be honest – I’m working but not really. Two hours a week hardly qualifies – but then again, two hours a week is all I can manage at the moment.
Having a baby and being a stay-at-home mom who’s also trying to work is definitely challenging. And whatever you think it might be like before you have a baby, you’re usually WAY off. It’s something you sometimes hear, but you have to experience it yourself to really GET it – to really understand it.
I can’t wake up early every morning and leave Greg to care for the baby because it wouldn’t be fair. I’ve got to figure it out.
All of it.
But first, let’s start by fitting into my jeans.
Baby steps, as they say.